vent (Dont read if it bothers you)

I swear, i have a good life i just.
Im not happy.

I literally have the best friends, Hailey, Lula, Amber, Caleb, Ricardo, Bailey, Miciah. I have amazing friends. BUt yet im fucking unhappy. I have dance, art, music. But im unhappy. 

I know i know, its not possible. But I cant help getting nervous around you and wishing i was with you forever. this isnt the same as it is with Lula.
I want you to be mine. in person.

I wish i was beside you...


Ok so ill explain i guess. I remember looking back to the St. Louis and Chicago trip and just fun stuff I have done. I miss it so much. I miss my cousins, i miss all the happy times. 

Honestly. i just need a hug right now. I would do anything to get to hug Lula.
Lula means so much tome. Nobody has even any idea. I swear, i cant even explain. I dont deserve him.

I am fucking sick of feeling this way. I cant be happy it wont stay. I know i fake and all so i seem happy but just, stop this pain tonight. please.

I just cant do it anymore but i promised i wouldnt leave you Lula. i just want to end it.
I just want to make all my friends happy but how can i do that when i barely function.
I literally didn't hang out with Hailey because I cant get out of this mood and i didnt want her to know.
what thefuck is wrong with me..

i just want to go home but i have no fucking idea where home is. i just cant stop crying and hurting myself i just cant stop. i dont want to anymore.. i feel like screaming and just running away.. im so pathetic. i literally have an amazing life besides my broken family and then people atschool and just... these memories. I should be over it but my mind is so fucking stupid it wont letme.

Please just make the pain go away.


i fake to you because im worthless and helpless.
so whats even the point.
i dont get why you dont let me end it.

i think one day its just going to happen...